Flags on Independence Day

The two holidays that will always be synonymous with my father are Thanksgiving and Independence Day. There are so many Thanksgiving stories, those will no doubt take up several separate entries...but since today is the 4th I thought I'd write about Independence Day Stainless Style.

Dad and my mother divorced when Rhea and I were still very young and since we lived with Mom in California for most of the year it was summer that we saw Dad the longest. Each summer we'd spend a month or two with him in Veneta, along with Kathy and later Krista and Eric when they were born. Dad definitely had a little kid excitement about many things, and one of them was fire works. Each year he'd buy all sorts of fireworks and invite neighbors and friends and put on a good show for us. I think that's what Dad liked the most - putting on a good show. He liked to be the reason or at least play a role in everyone having a good time.

Dad liked traditions in general, and after his father died in the 80's he started a new tradition. Grandpa Ray had been a war veteran, having been in the Korean War, so when he died Dad was presented with an America flag. Every 4th of July since Dad always hung Grandpa's flag in honor of him. As the years passed Dad hung the flag whenever there was a big family gathering, reunion, or party (i.e. the flag was hung at his 50th birthday bash). When Eric (Dad's only son) died in a motorcycle accident in early 2008 Dad also received a flag since Eric was in the army. In October of 2008, just a few weeks before Dad died, we tagged our family reunion onto the Tucker family reunion which Aunt Mary and Uncle Charlie were hosting at there place in Ontario. It was the first time Dad hung Eric's flag along with Grandpa Ray's flag. He had intended on continuing that for all family get togethers.

Eric's flag at the Tucker-Rynearson reunion in October 2008

Grandpa Ray's flag at Rhea & Marcos wedding in 2000.

Apparently during that weekend, which would be the last time Rhea and I saw our father, he had a conversation with Rhea where he indicated that "when his time came" he wanted us to hang a Rebel flag in honor of him along side Eric & Grandpa's American flags. I did not learn this till after his death and groaned. He would! I immediately understood why though - to him the flag stood for going against the grain, of being an outsider, for struggling to live a life that was his own and not dictated to him. Unfortunately the Rebel flag stands for a whole lot more to most people, and in no way are the positive associations. The civil war was about far more than just freedom of the slaves, and anyone who has really dove into all that it was about understands that the north really wasn't some night in shining armor for the end of slavery - that it was a very complicated and political fueled war much more about money than human rights. Many historians will tell you the winners of wars get to write the history of the war, and the winners aren't prone to point out their faults, or to confess that wars are often for political gain. So, regardless of facts, the summary of that war will always be rebel flag = proslavery.

For example, when I was talking to some friends recently about it during a dinner party one of the other guest who I had only met once before and who knew nothing about my father very sarcastically interrupted my story by saying "Oh, yeah, might as well hang the Nazi Flag!!" I ignored him, but really should have pointed out the irony in what he said - the swastika symbol was stolen by the Nazi's from Buddhism. The symbol originally meant prosperity or long life. It shows up in many cultures from several Asian countries to Mayan, Scandinavian, and Navajo, all meaning positive good things. What that symbol means to those people means something very different than what it has come to mean for most around the world: "white power" and oppression, WWII, genocide, skinheads, hate. So while the rebel flag meant one thing to Dad, hanging it at all our family gathering could give any outsider a very wrong idea. Rhea and I have argued about it ever since and I really don't know what we'll do in the long run. I tend to want to hang the "Don't Tread On Me" flag which is another kind of rebel flag, but one not as politically charged. I would have debated with Dad about it if given the chance, but of course that is not possible now.

That is one of the many the complications of life after a loved ones death. There is a balancing act of honoring them, but also honoring yourself. Rhea and I have many tattoos, some of which are memorial tattoos for our mother. I also already have one for Dad. While Dad was okay with us being tattooed Mom would have flipped the you know what out...so while I will never get a tattoo on my face, or pierce my face, I had to do what I thought was right for me and my body in the long run - even if it meant it would have disappointed my mother if she were alive. The same will go for Dad, and anyone else I love who dies before me. Time will tell.

What I do know is, no matter what else the 4th may mean to some, or what flags we hang to honor our lost family, this day will always be a Dad day...a day I honor him by cooking good food, having a drink or two, and enjoying whatever fireworks display I am privy to. Happy Independence Day.